For What It's Worth
by DictionGoddess
Summary: DanaCasey-- Dana reflects on love, loss, and everything in-between.


For What It's Worth  
  
Summary: Dana reflects on love, loss, and everything in-between.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be.  
  
Note: This takes place during the episode where Casey can't see,and takes a much different and less amusing path. Deal with it.   
  
For Amanda, on her 18th birthday. Hope she likes it :)  
  
  
  
The cool air brushed her cheek as she guided the car down the deserted highway. One hand rested on the wheel, the other on Casey's arm as he slept. It was a week long vacation for her, the tenth week of a three-month medical leave for him. They chose a small house on a remote beach (out of the way but still a ten-minute drive to the hospital, just in case). She pulled into the gravel parking lot and stared at him. His lips were slightly parted, his breathing soft and regular, his hair mussed and tousled. She grazes her fingertips over his cheek and cups his face. She could have lost him. She thinks about how close it was all the time.   
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"I can't see the... teleprompter, Dana. I need new contacts."  
  
"Well, make an appointment with your ophthalmologist, because we need you to do your job properly."  
  
"It was one mistake...can't you just...calm down."  
  
"No. I'm not upset about that. God, Casey. Have you looked at yourself lately? You walk around with your hand on your back like an old man. You wheeze when you walk from here to the your office. You can't even make it through a full sentence without taking a breath. I'm worried about you."  
  
"Why? You won't...let me date you. You don't...have a right."  
  
"I still care about you...I just...I don't"  
  
"Save it, Dana." He walked out of her office, leaving her head in her hands.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"Casey, we're here." He blinks his eyes open and glances around in confusion before locating her face. She grins and he smiles and they share a quick kiss. A tear runs down her cheek and he wipes it away with the pad of his thumb.  
  
"It's okay now, Dana. I'm okay now."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
It's the middle of a staff meeting when everything goes wrong. They're doing the rundown of the show, and Dan and Casey get in an argument on the Steelers/Chiefs game. She's watching him (she always does) and is alarmed to see how much his features have changed and how sick he really is. She's about to say something when Natalie calls her attention to a missing piece. She is fixing the mistake when she hears Dan shout. Casey is sitting in the chair with a dazed look. His chest is rising very fast, his hands clutched over his stomach as if he's in some sort of pain. She drops her clipboard and runs over, not caring how it looks to every one. Casey is shades of red, white and blue. He's ghostly pale with fever-tinged cheeks and waxy lips. She takes a deep breath (HeCan'tBreathe), helps Dan lay him on the floor, and puts his head in her lap. He takes wet rasping breaths as she bites her lip and strokes his hair and listens to Natalie call an ambulance. He tries to talk and she can make out 'I'm sorry' and 'didn't mean it' between gasps (HeCan'tBreathe). She holds him tight and tells him not to worry, because she doesn't care and he'll be all right (HeCan'tBreathe) and that everything will work out fine.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"I know." She ruffles his hair and climbs out of the car, then goes over to his side to make sure he is stable. He gives her a look so she sticks out her tongue, and then opens the trunk to get out their bags.   
  
"I'll carry the big one."  
  
"Not yet, hot shot."  
  
"Dana, it's been almost two months since they let me out of the hospital."  
  
"It's been six weeks. And it's too soon."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
They don't let her ride in the back of the ambulance (the medical shows are all wrong nowadays) and she doesn't understand the words they throw around, like hypertensive and tachycardia. She rubs her hands together anxiously, stares out the window, and wonders how they've come to this.  
  
***  
  
She waits. The plastic chair is hard on her back and the scent in the room is thick and medicinal. She's paged through the same copy of People since she entered the waiting area, faces of celebrities blending together until they become a conglomerate of wealth and falseness. Natalie sits beside her, reading the magazine over her shoulder and occasionally opening her mouth to say something comforting before closing it again as she realizes the futility of the action. Dan stands at the desk, harassing a nurse for information she doesn't have while Jeremy enters the room carrying bags of food that no one will eat. She laughs at the fact her life has become a clich‚, a scene out of a bad movie. She laughs and laughs, and soon she's crying, the tears staining her shirt and Ben Affleck's face. Natalie puts and arm around her, Dan stops his verbal abuse and quietly takes a seat, Jeremy sets napkins up in the middle of the table as he pretends she's not there. She cries and cries and doesn't bother to wipe her tears or quiet her sobs. Finally Natalie takes her hands and leads her into the bathroom, where cool water and a paper towel wipe the mascara off her face so she looks normal again. They walk back out, and she takes a new magazine from the table to start the process all over again. And waits.  
  
He tells her she can carry the large bag, but not before sticking his tongue out at her with a wink.  
  
"Charlie is more mature than you are."  
  
"Charlie's more fun than you. So there." He goes to shut the trunk as she sits on the large suitcase and stares at the ocean. He comes up behind her a minute later, and she's so transfixed by the calming water that she doesn't realize he's talking to her. She puts her finger on his mouth to quiet him, then grabs the bag and heads for the door.  
  
A doctor comes out to tell them that Casey's been moved to a room. They don't know what's wrong (HeCan'tBreathe), but he's on medication for his blood pressure (TooHigh) and they're running tests. Dan asks what it might be, and when the doctor hesitates he reveals that he's the emergency contact and privy to such knowledge. He speaks slowly and utters unreassuring nonsense before mentioning hypertension, heart problems, tumor, cancer. The last word is the worst and her blood runs cold at the mention. The doctor then offers to let someone to see him, warning about tubes and cancer and monitors and cancer...she just nods and follows the nurse to the elevator.  
  
***  
  
He's sleeping when she walks in, and she's glad because she doesn't think she can talk. His skin is still pink from the fever, but his lips are no longer blue. She accepts the wires and tubing immediately, because they are a part of him. She holds his hand so she can feel that he's alive and rests her head on the cool white sheets. He's breathing and she's breathing and soon they're both sleeping.   
  
************************************************************************  
  
The cottage is cozy, decorated with seashells and varying shades of blue. She sets the bags down in the largest bedroom, then digs out the sheets and begins to fix the bed. He stands in the doorway watching her, and she smiles as he lets out a low whistle.  
  
"You're a fox, Dana Whitaker."  
  
"That's a matter of opinion."  
  
"It's definitely my opinion."  
  
"Is that so?" She turns toward him and he takes that as a sign, moves across the room, and kisses her. She pulls away after a minute, wagging her finger.  
  
"Not right now. We have to clean this place up first."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Cool fingers on her cheek stir her, and she finds that he's staring at her. He's still pale and fevered, but she can't help but think he's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.   
  
"Hey" she manages to whisper. She always imagined waking up with him, but never like this.  
  
"Hey" He smiles at her with bloodless lips and before she realizes what she's doing she's laying on the bed beside him, her head on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist. They lay together until a nurse comes in and gently scolds them. She gathers her things and brushes a kiss on his cheek, promising she'll be back tomorrow.   
  
"Thank you" He says, then grabs her arm and pulls her toward him with surprising force. The kiss is soft and long, making her moan before their lips part. She gives him another quick peck on the lips.  
  
"Thank you, Casey"  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"Casey, it smells like seawater."  
  
"It's by the sea."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So it's going to smell like it."  
  
"It'll only take, like, three hours or so."  
  
"Why don't you take a break for one?"  
  
"It won't get done if I do that."  
  
"It's just an hour Dana, it won't kill you."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Dana, you've been here since last night. I don't care that you're missing the show again- Natalie can run it for a while. But you need to get a shower and change your clothes or something."  
  
"But I want to be here when he gets back from the tests"  
  
"They're going to last three hours"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"So you have three hours"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"So you can go home and get cleaned up"  
  
"I want to be here when he gets back from the tests"  
  
"You will be if you go now"  
  
"No, Dan. I need to be here for him. I need to know he's ok."  
  
"You won't do him any good if you die from eating cafeteria food and, you know, choking on your own stench from not bathing" She laughs in spite of herself, and he grins as he shakes his head. "Please? Just an hour, Dana. Then you can sit here another two." She thinks of Casey, and what they're doing to him, what they have to do to him, and nods her head.  
  
"Okay. An hour."  
  
***  
  
"It's called pheochromocytoma." She gives the doctor a strange look because she's sure that's not a real word. "A tumor has formed on Mr. McCall's adrenal gland, by his kidneys."  
  
"Tumor? Does that mean cancer?" Dan puts a hand on her shoulder, steadying her, and she mentally notes that she'll need to thank him for that later.  
  
"Not necessarily. Sometimes it is. Right now, his blood pressure is still unsteady even with medication. We're going to schedule surgery to remove the tumor, then do tests on it to see if it is malignant."  
  
"If it's not?"  
  
"He'll need to be on medication to stabilize his blood pressure still, but the problem will be gone."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"I know a break won't kill me, but if I don't start this now, I don't think I'll ever get it done." She reaches up to touch his hair, but his hand catches hers and gently moves her arm to the side.  
  
"You should clean."  
  
"You should take a nap, Casey."  
  
"Dana..."  
  
"I just worry about you."  
  
"I just love you," he says, then brushes his lips lightly on the top of her head. It leaves a tingly feeling that seeps into her skin and makes her blush. He walks to the worn-out couch and lies down. She fights the impulse to lie beside him and begins to clean.   
  
Three hours later the floors are sparkling and the salty scent that loomed in the air has been replaced by fresh pine. Everything is to her liking, but she can't settle down. She goes to the bathroom and sobs for twenty minutes until she hears Casey stir, a low mumble that warms her heart. She wipes the tears from her eyes and tries to ignore the feeling that something is amiss.   
  
**********************************************************************  
  
The doctor said it'd take three hours, but the fourth just past. Dan was calling every 15 minutes to ask for an update, and then calm her nerves. When he finally appears she stands and walks toward him, unable to wait any longer. He tells her it was larger than they thought (MoreLikelyToBeCancer) and that they had to do an open adrenalectomy (LongerRecoveryTime). His blood pressure dropped (ExpectedReaction) and they needed to give him an extra transfusion (TooMuchBlood). She nods and asks to see him, not caring about calling Dan and Lisa with the news. She doesn't remember what happened next. She only remembers Casey, holding his hand, and loving him.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
"Dana?" Casey calls as he finds her frantically scrubbing the porcelain sink. She doesn't acknowledge him, instead focusing on the rough white powder that she is cleaning with.   
  
"Dana, I know something's wrong. You need to tell me, okay? We need to talk about it. I'm not gonna lose you...I just found you." He puts his arms around her, strong and comforting, but she refuses to rest.  
  
"How do you know, Casey?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"How do you know it's going to be okay? I am so happy right now. But what if..."  
  
"No. There are no what-ifs. There's only right here, right now, okay?  
  
"But..."  
  
"Remember how long it took us to realize we felt the same why? It didn't matter that it took long, just that we were together. Bad things might happen. You can't wait for them. You just have to deal with them as they come. I know you're a control freak, and I love you for it. But you can't control everything."  
  
"What did I do to deserve you?" she asks as she falls into his embrace.  
  
"Not much," he murmurs into her neck. "Exist."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
He wakes up the next morning as she sips her cup of coffee. She doesn't realize it until she feels his hand on her arm.  
  
"Why do you always startle me like that?" she says softly as she reaches over to hit the call button, and then pours him a glass of water.   
  
"What went wrong?" She nearly dropped the glass but instead handed it to him, marveling at how well he knew her. She wondered why she didn't realize it before.   
  
"Dana? Please..."  
  
"The surgery didn't go as smoothly as they had hoped."  
  
"Is it..."  
  
"I don't know. I was waiting for you to find out." He nods and takes a sip, then leans his head back against the pillow as his face crumples with fear. She sets the glass down again, strokes his hair, and whispers in his ear. "We'll get through whatever happens Casey. We'll do it together."  
  
"You shouldn't have to deal with this."  
  
"I want to deal with this."  
  
"We never even went out on a date, and now you're taking care of me. Why?"  
  
"Because I'm stupid."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm so stupid Casey. I should have gone out with you months ago. It wasn't until I thought I'd lost you that I knew I loved you...how dumb is that?"  
  
"Makes perfect sense. It wasn't until I thought I was dying that I realized I couldn't live without you."  
  
"We must be made for each other."  
  
"I think we might be." She leans over to kiss him when the nurse walks in with the doctor, clearing his throat loudly. She sits and he grabs her hand, the pressure both painful and comforting.  
  
"Good morning, Mr. McCall. How are you feeling?"  
  
"As well as can be expected."  
  
"Good. I'm sure Miss Whitaker informed you that yesterday didn't go as we planned. The size of the tumor was larger than expected and we had to perform an open adrenalectomy, so your recovery won't be as smooth. However, we did get the biopsy results back. It was benign."  
  
"So that means...I'm fine." She gave his hand a squeeze and then threw her arms gently around his shoulders, laughing and crying. He held her as tight as he could while she burrowed her head into his neck. The doctor backed out of the room without another word as they became lost in each other.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
As they sit on the floor wrapped in each other, she thinks about everything. How she used to see the world in black and white. Rundowns started promptly at the scheduled time, a grocery item always had the exact same place in the cupboard, Casey loved Lisa so he couldn't love her. Now that her world has been disturbed, she can see things in shades of grey. A minute off-schedule does not mean the end of the world. It's easier to throw things on a single shelf than sort them out after a long day. Love can come and go on a whim so you should embrace it while you can.   
  
Tonight, she thinks, she'll make dinner. They'll walk on the edge of the water and talk about the NFL draft. Tonight he is healthy, and she'll let him carry her to the bed if he tries to. Tonight while they sleep she will not think about what could have happened, only that he is beside her.   
  
Tonight, they are in love. 


End file.
